The Incomplete Guide to Surviving the Hatchet
by Gaia Kame
Summary: My name is Alessa' and if your reading this document then more then likely you have become the new Charge of the Autobot's CMO Doc-bot, Ratchet the Hatchet. In here is the accounts of my experiences, examples, and personal rules of ways to survive Hatchet's guardianship. Although he may not squish you if you're not careful in following this incomplete guide - you'd wish he did.


**Note:** This story is created due to the fact I'm seriously suffering with writing withdrawl due to the fact that my laptop is under repair. The same laptop that has all my written stories and chapters for all my current stories and plot bunnies. Due to these facts I am currently borrowing a friend's glitched laptop in order to kill my writing needs by writing this silly yet poor attempt at a humorous fic. This fic is slightly inspired by StoletheSpider's fanfiction 'Rules to Not Getting Squished'.

Just a warning if you see mistakes and errors please let me know as this glitchet laptop is unable to notice any errors and I'm really too cross eyed right now to actually check for mistakes again. XD

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**Disclaimer:**

One day I shall catch them all and finally claim ownership to them! But until then, I do not own anything Transformers. Although I do own this odd little story along with my OC Alessandra Bruno.

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**Round about Summary:**

Alessandra Bruno - an American Italian 23 year old female that's just trying to survive college and everyday life who was dragged into the cybertronian war to a point that she requires a Guardian. Sadly she got the CMO Doc-bot, Ratchet the Hatchet - a mech that is already obsessed with keeping the humans safe and healthy based off being a 'doctor', but she is forced to endure more drastic protective methods from her Guardian and his weird antics due to his Guardian programming towards her. Although this isn't the story of how Ratchet became her Guardian - no, this is a story of all the odd moments, conversations, and her own personal silent rules based off Alessandra's odd and humorous moments she's forced to endure as a result of being the charge of the glitched doc-bot; along with her personally getting back at her annoying Guardian from time to time for all his _wonderful_ traits towards her.

May God grant her patcience and may Primus save him, because if he doesn't - Alessandra is _**seriously**_ going to tare out his spark!

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**The Incomplete Guide to Surviving the Hatchet**

_**Written by and based off the experiences of Alessa' Bruno**_

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_**By:**__ Gaia Kame_

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_Chapter One_

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_(Be careful on what you say..)_

Now Alessandra was a very curious 23 year old, and always eager to learn. She loved to discover new things and was completely 'hands on' about it too. She was patience, respectful, and sweet as can be.

Sadly the Hatchet would more then likely _never_ get any of those types of traits towards him from her willingly.

Resisting the urge to just up and run, or at least stab her own ear drums out (both she knew wouldn't work in her favor because either the Hatchet would catch her or replace her ear drums with audio receptors; just so that he could lecture her to the point of her 'ears' bleeding) she instead snuck a look around the med bay as Ratchet continued his lecture of the different parts of a cybertronian body. Although, due to Ratchet's droning voice and her **severe** ADHD, she really couldn't focus even _if_ she wanted to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. _Pistons, gears, blah blah blah.. _

"Alessandra! Pay attention!"

_Curses! Foiled again!_

Snapping her suffering and severely lacking attention upon Ratchet once again she plastered a large shit eating smile upon her face. It was only the heated glare of optics that promised her ears doom that made her grin turn more sheepish as she explained without thinking, "Sorry Doc-bot! I can't help it! My ADHD is attacking me with a vengeance!"

A startled look entered Ratchet's optics at her choice of words before his optics dimmed in a means to search for the meaning of her words upon the good ol' 'World Wide Web' - thus allowing her the opportune moment to make funny faces at the distracted bot. She would have started shooting spit balls at the annoying Doc-bot if it wasn't for the fact that he was still able to _feel_ while searching upon the web. She should know - she had already tried it.

It was only when his optics brightened (showing he had completed his search upon the web) that a slow smirk of eager twisted glee appear on his face plates, and only then did Alessa' realise her mistake.

"Attention Deficient Hyperactive _**Disorder**_, eh?" With that a dark chuckle of glee erupted from the Unicron spawned mech resulting in a chill of personal fear to run down her spin.

_Aw shit..._

"I'm sure with a few _**tests**_ along with some of my own created _trailed medications_ we can cure you of that." With that the Hatchet rubbed his hands practically in glee at having an excuse to making her life a living hell while once again having an excuse to tinker and experiment on a human within his Autobot guide lines.

_Note to self - __**NEVER**__ mention any medical alliments to the Hatchet. EVER!_

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_(Revenge of the Chocolate Delights)_

One of the great things about being a charge of an Autobot was having the privilege of being allowed on base. It was even better when you could interact with other charges during lunch within the rec room and swap stories with those other said charges. This time was no different.

"So there I was giving 'Bee a wash when all of a sudden I felt him shudder. At first I thought that it had something to do with-"

Half way paying attention to Sam's story she pulled out a a Hershey's chocolate bar while giving a hum in a half assed attempt to show that she was _supposedly_ paying attention. With a delighted smile she practically ripped the entire wrapper off like a crazed savage before taking a huge bite out of the chocolately goodness. It was only by her third bite did she notice the sudden silence causing her to look up at _LadiesMan_. His jaw was practically hanging wide open in shock as he stared at her. It was only then that she asked the boy what the hell was so amazing about her eating a bar of chocolate.

Shifting slightly in discomfort the strange boy stated point blank, "When did Ratchet allow you to eat chocolate? Ratchet doesn't allow _anyone_ here on base to eat junk food."

With a raised eyebrow she was about to reply that Hatchet could shove it up his tail pipe for all she cared when the glitched Unicron spawn himself seemed to magically appear.

What a surprise...

Before she even had time to react Ratchet gave out a warrior cry as he pulled out his gun and shot her chocolate - causing sudden melted chocolatey goodness to explode and splatter all over herself and Sam.

Horror filled her at the sight of her destroyed melted treat as Ratchet stormed over venting. Ranting on about the unhealthy factors of eating such things and it's lack of nutritional value and some other random crap. He didn't even stop ranting to her when he reached her side and knelt down to be at her eye level; yet for all she cared he might as well be ranting to himself as she completely tuned him out to stare at the giant glop of her remaining melted chocolate bar within her hand.

Had he honestly done what she thought he did? Did he seriously destroy her chocolate? Frag it to the pits that he shot at the small object within her hands - he just destroyed her awesome chocolately delight! _No one_ got away with taking away her monthly craving from her and got away with it! _**No one!**_

"And another thing-"

With a mad cry of vengeance Alessa instantly turned on the poor doc-bot with the looks of the mad woman that she truely was. "REVENGE!" With that she flung the remaining chocolatey goop right into her guardian's optic before laughing maniacally then dashing out of the rec room crackling all the way.

Being that it was the rec room this little fiasco didn't go unnoticed. Especially by the the two glitch twins, Skids and Mudflap, who both had been there to witness the very end of this ordeal. Crackling Mudflap pointed at Ratchet, "Yo dawg! She jus' pulled a monkey on yer arft!"

"Yea' man! She sure slagged yer arft good!"

Epps, who had also witnessed the whole ordeal, smirked at the scowling CMO bot before casually stating, "Doc-bot there's one thing you should know - _**never**_ mess with a woman's chocolate, cause hell hath no fury like a woman to those that does!"

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_(Cybertronian Biology 101 - Introductions of the Basics)_

Once again Alessa found herself cornered and forced into the med bay. Once again she found herself suffering through another drooning lecture of Ratchet's lessons of cybertronian anatomy.

Personally she thought the Hatchet only did this with twisted glee just to watch her silently suffer. Couldn't he at least _try_ to make his voice sound more enthusiastic about this stuff? At this point, she was seriously wondering if the Hatchet was hoping that she would just simply die of boredom just in a means to off her.

"-energon is not only our life blood but it's also our source of fuel, or as you humans more commonly put it, our food. We need it in order to survive and keep our frames from slowly rusting apart while-"

Instantly jolting at what her fickle brain tended to allow her selective hearing to actually hear she stared up at Ratchet with open mouth horror while cutting off the mech (much to his annoyance), "Woah, woah, woah! Wait a minute - hold the phone! So you're telling me that energon is your species blood - right?"

With an annoyed vent Ratchet gave her a dark look while giving an overly sarcastic response, which she ignored, "Yes, Alessandra. That is exactly what I said."

"Yet, you also _**eat**_ energon as well?!"

Optics rolling in annoyance Ratchet replied in a tone as if speaking to a glitched sparkling, "That is correct Alessandra. We also consume energon in order to survive. I'm so _pleased_ to know that your actually paying attention _for once_."

Completely ignoring the obvious sarcasm she could only stare in slack jawed, wide eyed horror at the large mech before her. Her staring must have made him feel a glitch coming on as he narrowed his optics on her, yet before he could even say another thing that's when she cried out in horror, "Holy SHIT! You all are just a bunch of robotic vampires!"

Startled at the claim Ratchet instantly searched the handy dandy internet before coming across the term. With a jolt out of his search did he scowl dangerously at her. "I think you-"

"VAMPIRE!"

"-are highly mistaken and missing the point. For-"

"ENERGON SUCKERS!"

"-although there are 'similarities' within your definition of 'vampire' and us, there is a more-"

"CREATED UNICRON ENERGON VAMPIRE SPAWNS!"

"-complex means behind-"

"THE POWER OF PRIMUS COMPELLS YOU!"

"Alessandra would you _please __**sit down**_-"

"ONLY WITH THE BLOOD OF PRIMUS SHALL YOU BE SAVED!"

"-and calm yourself?! You're taking this way-"

"REPENT YOU SUCKER OF ENERGON! REPEEEENNNNTTTT!"

"SLAGGIT FEMME! WHAT IN THE PITS IS WRONG WITH YOU?! SIT YOUR ARFT DOWN BEFORE I GRAFT IT DOWN TO THE SEAT AND WELD YOUR LIP COMPONENTS SHUT! BY THE ALL SPARK - ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME GLITCH?!"

Instantly she sat down and became quiet while silently staring at a optic twitching Ratchet. For a nano second anyway..

"Whatever you say robo-_**vampire**_."

That's when Ratchet finally glitched.

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_Loved it? Hated it? Have possible suggestions for further moments of insanity? Let me know! I would love to hear your input (considering I wrote this all goofy while suffering with lack of sleep). So please give a nice comment, criticism, or suggestion within a review. R&R's are AWESOME! XD_


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